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Beaming with excitement for the day ahead. You wake up, post about your liquid diet on instagram. It’s practically altered your DNA at this point. You’ve been on it for nearly three days. After you’ve received a sufficient amount of likes and waited an appropriate amount of time you post again. This time you say ,”taking Mindy to the dog park today where should we go?”
Mother nature decides to throw a wrench into your plans. You see the notifications, the comments, and then you feel it. Pure horror. Precipitation?
“Rain.. on my day when I was going to be Zen?!”
After you rip the curtains open, you are greeted by the confirmation. You already knew before you got there, the sound registered in your consciousnesses. The little raindrops make waves in puddles that are forming. Despite all of this you are DETERMINED. Never waste a day off, you are taking your dog somewhere and she is going to love it.
We’ve got you covered. Great places to take your dog on a rainy day are just below.
The Dog Park
Bill O’Reily was famously recorded giving words of wisdom when caught in a less than ideal situation. Let’s think this through. Yeah it might be pooring but there’s going to be no competition. Your dog gets all that sweet sweet space to act like a lunatic in. All the pee from other dogs marking the same spots will have been washed away. This is a huge social advantage for your dog. If there happens to be a break in the weather and it subsides, she could be first to repaint the park in her own urinary glory.
If you live near a body of water, we suggest stealing a boat and going sailing. No one has time to maintain or pay for boats, they’re pretty expensive. So stealing one would do the trick . After you’ve stolen your sailboat take it for a ride and have your second in command at the helm. Make sure to park it in the same spot you found it and drop the anchor thing back down. Sailing works by using the wind or something like that so make sure to only do this when it’s windy and raining.
Church is pretty boring. We all know we should be good and do good stuff. So why do you need to tell me and then try to take my money? Haven’t you seen inflation rates? My wage is not keeping up with the cost of living. Spiritual fulfillment is going to have to wait.
To counteract the subtle “pay me for generic life lesson” fee, you should bring your dog as an offering. Maybe even give it a cross chain or something. If you get tired of church you can just say your dog looks sick and leave.
The Grocery Store
Dog food is expensive. Look at this nature’s wild stuff. Since they don’t have ramen for dogs you can just take your dog to the grocery store. Every time you’re going down an aisle you can accidentally open a package and “drop” something. This gives you something to do on a rainy day and saves you money. People will start to suspect you eventually so keep this to 8 times or less. There is definitely a sweet spot. Because of this we recommend going for big ticket items first. Things like the steak packs. Make sure when you drop it to act really surprised but also helpless.
“She never does this!” The important part is to act really surprised and confused, but to make no direct action to stop your dog because who likes being interrupted during dinner. That would be rude and you don’t want to be rude now do you.
We’ve never seen anybody take their dog scuba diving before so you should be the first to do it. Now, dogs don’t understand how to use the scuba equipment and neither do we. But, we have seen big plastic bouncy balls and we know for sure those things have air in them. Basically you just have to figure out a way to put this bouncy ball thing on your dogs head and suddenly they become a double threat.
In one fell swoop your adventuring spirit changes your dogs life.
- on their dog resume they can list “sub-retriever”
- potential dog playmates will be impressed
- they could be in the Guinness world book of records
People getting divorced are going through a rough time usually. Sometimes only one of them is and that’s because that person makes more money. For whatever reason, you should take your dog there to be nice to these people. We all need a little help sometime.
By being nice we mean asking them things like ,”did you guys have a dog?” When one of them answers you have to find out who gets to keep it. It’s very important once you know this information to look directly at the eyes of the person who doesn’t get to keep their dog. There will come a moment when you will see a twitch in their eye or facial muscle.
At this moment you tell them you couldn’t imagine not having your dog in your life and you’re so glad you never made a terrible mistake like that. This is to help them get over it. After you say this make sure to offer them the ability to pet your dog. That is very kind of you.
People die a lot. It’s usually because of age and stuff but sometimes they did terrible things like enjoying badminton and so god punishes them. If you find out that the person who died did play badminton, we suggest you don’t go to the funeral because they don’t deserve to have a dog there.
If they didn’t play badminton then bring your dog and it will be a nice surprise and maybe cheer some people up.
A lot of wholesome people hang out at these establishments so it’s good for your dog to be around those types. Dogs love smells, and the amount of liquids and gases really makes for a nice atmosphere. To a dog, going to a strip club is like a person from Temecula going to a wine tasting. There is a bouquet of smells that only canines can truly appreciate.
Burning Man is this thing where all these really enlightened people hang out and understand the earth in ways that you are incapable of doing. We think that’s pretty cool and they have some great outfits. As everyone knows, dog stuff can be expensive. The key is to wait until the right person becomes enlightened and drops their outfit. This is when you scavenge for new dog collar and leash materials. If anyone asks you why you are taking these peoples outfits remember to tell them that money and possessions don’t exist while you do a jedi wave. Immediately people will accept you and understand what you mean.